Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My father ignores me on Facebook

*for those that don't know what Facebook is, it's a social networking site that is essentially a big time suck when I have the time to give. I have friends on there. I also have my father listed as a friend.*

My mother, unknowingly, gave me two additional "parental" figures, besides herself, when I was growing up. My father, which okay was maybe a little knowing although I don't think she really KNEW him at that time, and Nana. Nana she knew. And chose anyway.

I think Nana and I are more alike than we are different. That is to say, the "natural" side of me that I have learned to try and tame over the years because sometimes Nana annoys me and makes me try extra hard to not be like her. When she and I would argue when I was growing up it was mostly because we are the same person in different bodies. Both always right, strong willed and demanding of my mothers attention. We can be loud, unknowingly rude and occasionally lack understanding of what other people are going through. When I was younger I would complain to my mother about this and she would say "well you both do that. She's an adult and you're a child. Do you want to be different or the same?"

So I work like HELL to be different. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail but I am who I am in part because of Nana.

This is not to say that I don't love Nana. I do. In a twisted way because, hello, that's what family does. As I have aged I try to accept those qualities anyway and accept her for who she is. My mother obvious loved those qualities about her to they can't all suck, right? Sometimes I'm accepting and sometimes, I need to take a break.

My father is a different story. I'm sure I love him. I'm sure of it. Because he's my father and I have a deep understanding of him. But between him and Nana I would choose to be like Nana every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

My father is an adulterer. He's been married 5 times and STILL believes that marriage is the key to solving all that ails you. Even if he isn't particularly happy with his choice of wife. (He's too old and their credit sucks too much to leave each other at this point.) He is also a con-artist and despite what he says about family being important, it's only important on his terms. He's also an only child but he's selfish still to this day. Sharing with his children is out of the question.

He hasn't spoken to me in 4 months. He's mad at me. He has ignored my phone calls and attempts to contact him either by email or Facebook.

Why is he mad? It's a couple of things. I got pregnant out of wedlock. Again. I got divorced before that. I got married to a man whose last name is Gonzales and am having his baby. Which means mixed races. To him anyways. We aren't naming the baby Javier which is the equivalent of Harvey in Spanish. The sky is blue. The grass is green. There are a myriad of reason why he's upset.

I don't know if Nana likes me. Or loves me. It doesn't matter in the end. I know she loved my mother. Unconditionally. And she loves her family unconditionally. And she loves MY family unconditionally.

My father only loves you on his conditions. If you don't meet those then you don't count.

Nothing else seals it more for me, which one I want to be like. I want to love everyone. Unconditionally.



Mixed race babies are beeeeeauuutiful!

Have I mentioned that my mom is Minnesotan and my dad Peruvian? wink!

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