Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Talking Shop

*I'm going to paraphrase a conversation Micah and I had yesterday towards the end of this post. He hates when I do that because he believes it loses the spirit of the conversation. I'm doing it because it's funnier when I say it.

So there is this weird thing that happens when you get divorced. Or at least when I got divorced. I felt FREE. For the first time in forever I wasn't under the thumb of my husband and I was learning to live without the constant state of anxiety that was so prevalent in my life up until that point. I went out with friends, went on dates, took dancing lessons, went hiking, went white water rafting etc. I was brave. I was confident. I wore 5 inch heels. And worked out in them.

Then I got into a relationship with Micah. For those unfamiliar with the timeline Micah and I started "talking" back at the end of July 2008. We went out on our first date in August. I say this because I like to explain that Micah and I met long after my divorce had been filed and was more than halfway through processing by the time he bought me dinner. Micah did not know me while I was truly married.

Back when I was pregnant initially but before I knew it I started making Micah CONSTANTLY reassure me that he wasn't going to leave. It's weird because prior to that I was kinda all "whatever" about us. I loved him and I wanted to be with him but the overwhelming fear that he would get up and walk out began to press in on me. I should have known that fear was due to a baby.

Since finding out that I'm pregnant I still tend to get a little crazy about our relationship. I occasionally don't trust him not to leave. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my former relationship. That creeping feeling of "OMG he doesn't have to be here with all this crazy and kids and dogs and home improvement projects and my constant need for reassurance" tends to weight me down.

Probably because when I look at Micah, I can totally see him going the "other" way. Going the way of single with no kids forever. Well, maybe not single. I see him in a long term relationship, maybe not married, maybe so, but childless and hanging out and just the two of them forever. I can see him living in an apartment and hanging out and going to movies at 10pm for the rest of his life. But I don't see that lifestyle for me. I would have always wanted exactly what I have, which is kids and house and 'burbs and PTO. I can't see myself any different than I am, except maybe with another baby on my hip. (Not a 4th baby. Stop it.)

So my crazy takes over and I get all scared that one day Micah is going to wake up and say "NO MORE!". Because that happened to me. I had a man tell me he wanted the kids and the 'burbs and the stability and then wake up one day and say "NO MORE". He wanted hanging out and going to movies at 10pm and just the two of them. Even more to the point my MOTHER woke up one day and had a man tell her that despite his earlier desire for stability and and kids and 'burbs "NO MORE!". So yeah, my limited experience with men with the kids and 'burbs thing? Not so positive.

I tell all of this to Micah. Because he gets me in a way that others generally don't. And I know he wont be upset, that'll he say the right thing but 99% of the time he knows the right thing to say.

He tells me that he's been busy talking "shop" with the other guys at work.

Me: Which guys?

Him: Andrew and Jason.

Me: Big work stuff going on?

Him: Not really.


Him: Jason has the same stroller on our registry and so we were talking about it, he really likes it.

Me: ??

Him: Yeah, been talking cribs and strollers and car seats with the guys.

He's not going anywhere. Because the height of cool, as we all know, it sitting around with your buddies, drinking a SmartWater and discussing the pros and con's of the Eddie Bauer Stroller at Babies 'r Us.


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