Friday, May 22, 2009

The Worlds Laziest Mom

About a month ago now my ex-husband and I got into an email disagreement. He hated the way our oldest is wearing her make-up (caked on foundation and clumpy mascara) and frankly, that she was wearing any make-up at all and told me he was disappointed in me. I told him that we (She and I) were working on this but in the grand scheme of things if her wearing mascara kept a little peace in my house, well, I had better find a good brand.

For me, it had been a rough month. I had taken her to be evaluated TWICE by 2 different psychiatric hospitals for outbursts and anger that just wasn't NORMAL. There was no reason that a simple comment about washing her face should disintegrate into a 3 hour melt down with her hysterically screaming and crying. No reason that some removal of eye make-up should lead her to scream "I fucking hate you!" followed by my favorite "You are such a bitch".

I had hauled her to the Children's Hospital for treatment in their day program. They told me the usual stay was 10 days. Kylie was in there for 14. I had to fight an entire day with my insurance company to even get them to say she needed treatment and for them to authorize it. I still have to some how come up with the 10% co pay for all that treatment (to the tune of $1400 when it's all said and done) and had to have lengthy therapy sessions while she was there. I had to take a ridiculous amount of time off of work to accomplish all of this and had to beg and plead with friends and family to pick her up and drop her off every day to help me. I had to pick up a prescription for antidepresents/anti-anxiety medication and had to rush to find an "outside" psychiatrist who would see her within 10 days to monitor her medication. I believe I will have shelled out, in total, over $1700 between co-pays, my portion and medications for the month of April.

I was also fighting with her middle school to get her away from an egotistical bitch of a teacher and have her stop being suspended because this ONE teacher had an issue with her. That was a blooming nightmare that led to a LENGTHY conversation with the principal of the middle school. Kylie had a 3 day/1 class suspension followed by an entire day of in-school suspension.

Mascara was the LEAST of my concerns.

There was more between him and I that lead to him calling me a selfish bitch, telling me I was lazy, telling me I only thought of myself. I believe I told him to back off and to come home and raise his children if he had a problem with what I was doing. It was unfair since he isn't exactly choosing to be deployed right now. Oh wait. He actually BEGGED to be deployed. I forgot. (Not really, that's sarcasm. It helps me feel right.)

I found out the next day that I was pregnant. I didn't know how far along at that time although when I did find out I was shocked. I had missed the entire first trimester. People have asked me how that is possible, how do you not NOTICE you don't feel well or feel tired.

The honest answer is that I was too worried and too busy to think about it. I was going 100 miles an hour with Ky and Lulu and Micah and just straight didn't notice.

School ended for Kylie last Wednesday. She completed 7th grade alive and in one piece which doesn't seem like much of a goal, unless you have an "alternative" middle schooler and then you'll know what I mean.

Brian was very proud to send an email out yesterday to friends and family alike praising Ky for her amazing job. She received 4 A's, 1 B, and 1 C. (The C was in gym. She can't do push ups.) I'll be honest here and tell you that I wrote him after he announced that this final quarter was actually the BEST quarter she had the entire year. I made a VERY snarky comment about how I must really be screwing up as a parent for her to have her best quarter ever.

Best. EVER. Since he LEFT.

It wasn't nice. It wasn't even necessary. But I would be wrong to tell you that his words didn't sting when he said them and don't still sting now. They hurt. A lot. I haven't forgiven him for them yet. I know I should.

I guess maybe though, after some reflection, his parenting style and mine are just very, very different. He believes that I am a lazy parent because I don't sit over her every night with her homework. He believes that I am selfish because I chose my fights with her over the criteria of whether it's worth it, not whether or not it's going to make her afraid of me. He believes that I am a generally bad parent when it comes to Ky because I allow her make some of her own decisions in regards to dress/make-up/hair style.

He might be right.

I realize though, I'm not a lazy mom. Not in the traditional sense anyways. I'm just doing it differently than he would. I don't ride her every night to complete her homework. But I do check with her and her teachers weekly to make sure her assignments are getting turned in. I know the Principal's direct number at her school because I've had to fight so long and so hard for her there. I know, by heart, the number of her therapist, her psychiatrist and the staff at the Children's Hospital Psychiatric Ward. I give her space to have responsiblity instead of constantly nagging and forcing.

I don't care if she's learning who she is and isn't by wearing her make-up badly or dying her hair green (Pictures to follow). Heck, I'm paying for all that make-up and hair care. I'm reminding her about her pills, her showers and her dishes. I'm doling out black clothing as she earns it and even occasionally taking her to a movie/dinner/show. I'm still taking her to Dr's appointments weekly and refilling her prescription monthly.

Guess that's just the lazy in me.


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