Tuesday, May 26, 2009

An open letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

What a crazy year it's been. Last year when I wrote you I will just in the process of a divorce. In fact, I hadn't even filed yet. There was still a thought that maybe it wouldn't end that way. But it did and I believe, and I think you would agree, for the best. He's still the man you remember, still a good man. Just a man that wasn't meant for me.

As you may already be aware, depending on your view from heaven, I have a new man in my life. A man that never knew you and despite my best efforts and stories and meeting of my family, never will. Not truly. That makes me sad because it feels as though that connection is so lost now. I don't have another adult who automatically understands my quirky words (sockses anyone?) or why a Godiva Starfish and Oyster are the best Christmas gifts ever.

I learned a lot about myself this year mom. I remember after your divorce and all that self discovery that you went through and I think about that. I went through the same thing. Finding myself amid the ashes of who I was. Realizing that in the process of my marriage I had lost so much of who I was and what I believed that I didn't know if I would ever truly find my way back. I'm getting there. There are still days where it's easier to revert. To look down at the ground when a man walks in the room. To apologize a million times for things I have no control over. But I no longer worry about walking on eggshells around my man and I found my voice and my opinion, hidden in the corner on my mind. They are easier to take out and practice now than they were before. That change that has made for my children has been remarkable.

Speaking of children, I hope you've been keeping track of your progeny. In case you haven't, well when you left there were only 2 granddaughters to add to your branch of the family tree. There will soon be a 3 grandchild although whether it's a girl or a boy is still unknown. Micah hopes for a boy. I dream of another little girl. We'll find out soon enough because I'm not a surprise person but you probably already know your sweet little grandchild. I believe it anyways. I believe because you both are in heaven you've both been introduced. If not you should totally seek them out. I don't know a lot about this newest addition yet but I suspect s/he likes to dance. Perhaps a cheerleader like it's Grandma?

Kylie has gone through a lot of change this year. She's finding herself and who she is. The divorce I believe was hard on her but also good. Sure, it's hard to see your parents separate and live in a different place. But it's also nice that she gets so much more one on one time with her dad than she used to. It's screwed her up a little bit and if you've been paying attention in therapy I think the lack of a family group for most of her life has been weird. She isn't used to Micah hanging around all the time and constantly says that I spend all the time with him. I have tried to show her time and again that I'm not spending all of my time with him. That we spend our time doing things with Lulu as a family and that she is always welcomed and invited. But she isn't used to this "family time" and it's hard for her. I hope as time goes on she'll get more used to it. Honestly, I suspect that a lot of her therapy has more to do with Brian than with me. But it's always easier to blame the parent that's around than the parent who is absent.

Lizzie continues to be herself. She's become a little whiny as of late and clingy. I suspect it's due to my exhaustion and lack of feeling well that she feels a little left out. I can't carry her as much as I used to and I often push off bedtime to Micah when I feel nauseous or exhausted. She is excited about the upcoming baby, mostly because she has no idea what she's in for. But you may remember, she's always been a fan of the baby, always been a little mother. She believes that I have a baby in my belly and she has a fish in hers. Her fish eats all of her food like my baby eats all of mine, at least according to her. Which would explain 4 plates of rice and chicken last night. That or a tape worm. I can't believe she's going into Kindergarten this fall. I am amazed and awed by how much she has changed since you left. When you left she wasn't even crawling and now, here she is, ready to be a Darth Mouth kid.

Micah. Mom, you'd love Micah. I was always confused when you would lament that you just wanted someone who would cherish me, even long after I was married. I didn't truly understand what you meant but then, I didn't really understand marriage either then. Micah cherishes me. Micah believes I'm special. He is the man you wanted for me. He's my yang to my ying. He gets me in a way that I don't know I've been "got" before. He makes me laugh until I cry and is always there to take care of me. He is getting a crash course in Step Parenting 101 and is about to graduate to the Daddy 201 course in the next few months. He loves the kids and gets them too and they like him. Well, Lizzie loves him. Kylie is getting there. I suspect she likes him a lot more than she lets on but honestly she's a teenager and is a little slower about change than Lizzie is.

As for me? Well I continue to work and often say to myself, if no one else, WWJD? Only, as you know, more often than not the phrase is really What Would Julie Do. That gets me through so many tough situations I can not even begin to tell you. But then, you already know I suppose. I don't love my current job but I love the potential behind it. I'm so glad to be in HR and I often wish I had someone to share it all with. You were so knowledgeable, more than I realized at the time. I hope to test for my PHR next year and I hope you'll sit on my shoulder then. Not exactly to tell me the answers but to be my cheerleader.

I gotta go Mom. I hope you're out there and that you read this. I miss you every minute of every day. I'm glad my grief is different now than it used to be but it's still there. Reminding me that I'm not completely okay with your loss just yet.



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