Monday, July 13, 2009

Not a real wedding

Micah's sweet sister said this to me, obviously disappointed for me last Wednesday. I *think* she might have been asking if we were going to have a reception later to which I believe I responded no. Or I could be making that up. In any case Melissa did express some disappointment on my behalf that I wouldn't have a real wedding. I tried to assuage her fears by telling her I had experienced a REAL wedding once. Look how that turned out.

I didn't have time or words to really express what I was thinking at that moment. But I want to take a second now because I've had some other beautiful, well meaning people, express disappointment for me that I didn't have the beautiful white wedding. Or that I don't feel that this wedding was "special", probably because I went to work the next day.

First, I will say, I am blessed to have so many people who love me and care about me enough to worry about this for me. Much like my mother worried I would feel bad about missing Prom or my step-mother worried I would miss the true college "experience". People truly love and care about me. I appreciate all of that.

Honestly, part of me is sad that I missed those other rites of passage. And while I'm glad to be done with the wedding part of my life I am a little disappointed that I didn't get the big white wedding. But the reality is I wouldn't have gotten the big white wedding if we hadn't eloped anyways. I'm pregnant. Getting larger every day. And when it comes to money I would rather spend my dollars saving for my maternity leave than paying for wedding invitations. I don't have the time or resources to have my "Dream" wedding that involves violins, lush public gardens and $3000 for a wedding photographer. I frankly don't have the groom for it either.

At my first wedding I walked down the aisle to the Bridal Procession and I had the white large fairytale dress. I had flowers and was married in a church by a Christian minister. I had a reception and a cake and gifts. But as I was standing up at the alter I remember thinking to myself, "Why doesn't this feel special? Why does today feel like any other day?" I generally chalked that up to the fact that I felt that no one at my wedding was happy to be getting married, especially my groom. A funny story that my now ex-husband told at my mothers funeral was when he first saw me walking down the aisle. I was smiling and laughing as I walked down and I looked so happy.

The truth was, and he found out later, that as we began walking down the aisle my mother leaned over and whisper "You don't have to go through with this. We can still cancel."

My wedding to Micah included no music. 5 sunflowers. No white dress, no mom walking me down the aisle. My minister was non-denominational and I was married outside barefoot with mosquito's and shade. And I don't remember a single person being in my world when we said our vows. I do remember almost crying. I remember he did too. I don't remember my audience and all I kept thinking was how much I loved that man. That's huge. That means everything to me. That tells me that maybe I got it right this time.

When I said my vows I was only making legal what I already felt. I wasn't getting married because I had to, because I wanted someone to make me feel something else or to show anyone anything. I got married because I can't imagine my life being anywhere else than right where it is. I want to make plans and walk our road together for the rest of my life. I already said vows in my soul to him long before I said those vows in the garden.

For me, and I realize this isn't for everyone and this certainly doesn't say anything about how I feel about other weddings, because anytime you feed me for almost free, I wanna be there, but I was ready for the wedding to be over and for the marriage to begin. I was ready to be legal to change my name and make financial plans with him. The wedding was simply the ceremony with which I chose to do that. And so mine was short and simple and pretty much us. (Short and simple people)

I wont lie though. Planning somewhere along the line of 500 weddings, quinceanera and Christmas parties didn't hurt fulfilling that fairytale wedding fantasy though.


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