Wednesday, August 11, 2010

August 10th

August 10th was yesterday and for the most part I kept myself incredibly busy all day. Well as busy as I could, what with working and PTO and driving and all.

But everytime I had a free moment, everytime my mind had a spare second to wander it went right back to playing the same game.

What if?

I personally HATE the What If game. I hate when people play it with me professionally (What if I got laid off and I was hit by a 800lb gorilla on the way to work the day before my last day?).

I hate when my children play the What If game with me also. (What if I smacked William in the head with a plate?)

I hate when friends play it. (What if I dated a married man, just for fun?)

I hate the What If game.

But yesterday my mind kept going back to it with every passing moment and I had to work really hard to keep it focused elsewhere.

You see, yesterday was supposed to be my mother's 58th birthday. She passed away at 52, 3 months before turning 53. Yesterday my mind wanted to play What If She had lived.

You probably can see why this game sucks. But in case you don't here's what my brain was doing.

What if she had never gotten sick? Where would she have traveled? Would she have remodeled something else in her house? Would she have bought a new car? Would she have gone to Russia? Paris? Italy? Would she have moved you to Alaska when you got divorced? Would you have gotten divorced? Would she have come for Christmas every year? Would you have married Micah? What would she have thought of a grandson? Would she have liked the name William? Would she still be working there? What would she have said when you got your job?, got your certification? grew your garden?

It was like that, the same questions, all day long when it was quiet.

And it all begins with the same question.

What if She had lived?

I hate the What If game.


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There's one What If you should never wonder about:

She would be so proud of you.



I play that game sometimes and it's so depressing - because we live in reality I guess. We aren't exactly sure what heaven is like now - but it is always comforting to think that the people there somehow know what is happening here.
Love you - Aunt Connie

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