The death of the mother is the first sorrow wept without her

Dear Mama,

What a difference a year makes, right?

As you know, I managed to elope last July and quickly have my 1 year anniversary approaching. I think it’s fitting that for this anniversary I’m taking Micah to Alaska. I feel like when we get there he’ll understand me better (although he pretty well understands me now). I feel like he’ll help me to see the magic of Alaska again since I haven’t been able to even stomach the idea of it since you left. True, I did go back to Alaska once, when Lizzie was around 2. The magic was gone and nothing I did would bring it back. I’m hoping that by showing Micah my childhood places and things that were important and meant something to you and me some of that magic will come back. I would like to be able to think of Alaska as my home and not just the place I grew up from time to time.

I had a baby too. My first (and only) boy. He is pretty much the spitting imagine of me as a baby (despite Micah’s claims to the contrary) and is precious. He has the fat rolls that you always loved in your grandchildren and I can’t help but think you would enjoy all the belly laughs and sloppy kisses he likes to give. I can see that picture of you as an infant, the black and white one, and I think he probably is the baby that most resembles that picture. I wish you could have made up songs while you changed his diaper and fed him inappropriate foods when I wasn’t looking.

His name is William. Dora reminded me that William Doyle was a pretty well known character from our family history and so that helps tie him to you in my mind since I just couldn’t bring myself to name him Julian. Sorry. Additionally it is thought that Mr. Darcy in the Pride & Prejudice saga was named Fitzwilliam Darcy. I’m going with it which would make me 2 for 3 on characters named for Pride & Prejudice characters. If only Kylie would let me change her name to Jane (although she probably is more of a Lydia) I could be 3 for 3. She’s no fun.

Speaking of Kylie, she has made a super improvement from last year and is hurling head first towards high school. I can’t imagine my baby in high school and yet I am so excited for her at the same time. It’s odd to me to think that when you left she was only 9. She wasn’t even in the double digits. Now she’s about to be a freshman in high school and we are having serious discussions about college majors and campus tours. How can 5 years have flown by so quickly and how can a person have changed so much in that time?

The other day Nana sent Lizzie a Kindergarten graduation card. She wrote in it that you had bought the card for Kylie when she was in Kinder but had forgotten to send it. So that in a way, it’s like you sent the card to Lizzie, just that Nana wrote the words. I cried after she read it to me. Her response was “Grandma Julie? I love my Grandma Julie!”

Interestingly enough, Micah pulled out a tub that had been in my shed for, oh, about 5 years. He told me there were some clothes in. I went to take a look and oddly enough, it was full of clothes from when Kylie was wearing a 5-7. Most of them are Gymboree and so it was almost like getting a care package from you for Lizzie. We put it back and will go through everything this fall when she moves up to a 6, in age, if not in size.

Brian got married last week Mom. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be and I still can not bring myself to ask Kylie how it went. She has blessedly not tried to tell me about it either. I know that he and I have been divorced for well over a year and I think you’ll agree, I’m in a much better place now, but he married HER. The night of his wedding I was so wishing I could call you and rage about how unfair it is that he married her and she got to have a huge wedding and large reception and wear white when she is HER. I know you would have understood since Harvey also married your HER. I can hear you in my mind saying, “NO FAIR NO FAIR!” That’s how I felt that night, like a child saying NO FAIR!

Work continues to be work. I test for my PHR next month which is stressful because of the studying. I’ve never been good at studying and this is stressful, knowing I need to know everything about everything and not being sure that I can or do. Sometimes things happen at work that I just wish I could talk to a more seasoned HR person and say “What the hell is wrong with those people?” I know you’d get that.

5 years Mom. How can it have been 5 years already since you left? I keep trying to tell myself that you had to go. God had bigger plans for you. You’re in a better place and I shouldn’t want you to come home. Except you raised a very selfish, spoiled brat, and all I can say is, I wasn’t ready yet. I still needed my Mommy. Being an adult is only an illusion and it’s only based on age and those times when I really, really, really need you I think that it’s NO FAIR NO FAIR!

I need to close now Mom. But I want to tell you about a dream I had not long ago about you.

It was you and I and Micah and we were going on a cruise to Mexico. We were at the dock, about to get onboard and you told me you didn’t have your passport. I got really frustrated with you because you were going to need it if you were going to depart the ship. I told you I would run home to grab but and you told me that it was expired. And I was mad at you because you died long after US Citizens needed their passports to get into Mexico and I told you that you knew better. I told you that when you were alive a US Passport was needed to get into Mexico and now I didn’t know if you could even come on the trip with us. You told me that you could get on the ship but you wouldn’t be able to come with Micah and me where we were going.

I know there is meaning there Mom. I know you’re with me in Spirit, if not in Body. But I just can’t help but remember how angry I was that you hadn’t bothered to renew your passport so you could come with me anyways. I wish you could come with us. Still.

Love,
Pumpkin Head