Am I excited?

At least once a day I get asked if I am excited about this pregnancy. Or baby. My response is generally "not yet". I know that people don't understand this and I feel sort of bad myself about saying it but I'm about being honest.

I'm getting there. But I'm not there yet.

With Ky, I was too stupid to know any better than to be excited. I was 15 and didn't have a clue as to what I was signing up for.

I tried for 5 years to get pregnant with Lulu. It took drugs and tests and surgery. My then-husband had to use a "cup" for his testing. In a stinky bathroom. With 25 year old soft-core porn. While people knocked on the door.

To say I was excited when I got pregnant with Lulu would be an understatement. We had been married for 6+ years. We had been trying forever. We had just about given up. We were stable and secure.

This baby is a straight up surprise. We were careful. We used birth control. I used NFP on top of that. I have PCOS. I was told it takes a miracle for me to get pregnant.

Apparently I just have to be unmarried.

I have stress right now. I'm not exactly the most stable and secure of people right now. I'm living paycheck to paycheck. My boyfriend is paying off debt that is double what I owe on my house. I have a teenager that JUST got out of the day treatment center at the hospital for "issues". I'm not married. My family is not excited. I don't have a lot of spare space in my house. I have two dogs that seem to enjoy knocking down my littlest Lulu.

I also don't feel well. Ever. At least not this pregnancy.

Micah is ridiculously excited. More than I have ever seen a man. He never thought he would be a father. Now he gets to have two step-daughters and a new baby all his own. His life is soaring. His family is thrilled, a new grand baby is exciting. Kicking and screaming they tend to drag me along too. I get moments where I can feel excitement. It'll come soon enough, I'm sure.

In the meantime, we finally told the girls this weekend. Ky's response was "Ewww, gross" and she's poking me a lot. I'm sure when you're almost 14 the thought of your mom doing what it takes to make a baby is gross. Lizzie is a little more interested in the "really?" She has poked me and prodded me. She finally announced that if I had a baby in my belly then she had a fish in hers.

Both seem as equally probable to her.